Is it a full moon today by chance?
...because if it isn't, there is no excuse for the happenings of today. Well, okay, life itself may just have it's say.
Today, today, one of those days you want to strike off the record. But you've had a few, ...you know, the scream at your kids and make them feel really awful kind of days, when you feel as if your nerves are every one tingling? Today, my lovely Lucas had a frightful day, I am suspicious of the cold medicine prescribed last night and quit giving it as soon as I thought of it. Or of course there's also the lack of sleep, irritability from being sick, stress from having normal family life disrupted for several weeks to consider as well, oh and simply being two.. Endless screaming fits of anger, no answers to what or why, do what you think he wants and he screams more, stop doing it and another fit erupts. Sigh, I didn't handle it the best most of the time. Especially when he awoke from his nap with the same attitude. I just wasn't expecting that, and sometimes, especially at vulnerable times, crushed expectations turn me into monster momma! And then my fear of why he was acting out of character, what's wrong??? So we threw our fits together, sorry to say, my empathetic spirit nowhere to be found for the most part.
For all of God's grace and goodness I thank Him, and days are short here, it gets dark soon after 4 pm, so Kenji was home by 5. I began fixing supper with many dark feelings, the beginning of depression is never far away for me in such circumstances.
However, feeling sorry-for-myself stops right here. As I stood there, cooking chicken, my wise husband came up behind me and asked how I was doing. The screaming child, or perhaps screaming mother, had well been heard from all over the Village I am sure. as I muttered a feeble, uh...I'm okay, he hugged me and said, hmmm?? like, what is that you're trying to make me believe? So I took a deep breath, swallowed my spirit of martyrdom and said, It was a tough day, blinking back the tears. At that moment the healing began, as he said- you deserve a long bath tonight, without kids. and then offered to take over supper, to which I refused, preferring to cry a few tears in my carrot peelings while the kids entertained themselves nicely in the next room. (and they did too, not one fight and Lucas had become himself again right before Kenji came home...of course, right?!)
As I peeled those carrots and potatoes and cried a few tears, and later Kenji chopped a pineapple beside me, and we chatted about adult things...rather than kicking myself over and again for my nasty behavior, or trying to justify actions for which there is no justification, I marveled at the grace of God, who has brought me to this place, a place far from where I've been in the past. When a day like today, which follows many days of cares, could have sent me off into weeks or months of despair. How simple and yet how marvelously intricate and mysterious are the ways in which God has designed our relationships to intertwine. And to think the years I've put into finding the right formulas. I am more and more convinced that in no small way, we can and do bring healing to others by even a few simple gestures and words,( and never forgetting the power of healing touch). And not often focused on as the important part of the equation, and not well acted upon by me, accept healing from others who ache to give it, by being honest, rather than being martyrs and superpeople(I'm sure they had a hard day too, I should be able to handle just being at home with the kids, right), storing our hurts and disappointments for mega dump sessions(been there, done that),when everyone gets hurt and healing seems out of the question.
The evening of grace did not stop there, as my firm and gentle husband several times swept a once again freaking out Lucas out of my rankled territory and worked his magic to flip the switch back to our charming Lucas again, as I watched in frank jealousy and admiration, remembering my futile attempts earlier in the day. When we laid beside each other and he expressed sorrow for my rotten day, I could honestly say without a hint of martyrdom, oh, it's okay now, thank you. What? he says, surprised,(you must understand I'm not normally so easily consoled, I'm learning however:)),did I do?
you are my hero,Kenj.
Some of us have thought perhaps, ahem, that many words are necessary for healing hurts, and well, maybe we were wrong, Kenji- sensei, I rest my case.
Today, today, one of those days you want to strike off the record. But you've had a few, ...you know, the scream at your kids and make them feel really awful kind of days, when you feel as if your nerves are every one tingling? Today, my lovely Lucas had a frightful day, I am suspicious of the cold medicine prescribed last night and quit giving it as soon as I thought of it. Or of course there's also the lack of sleep, irritability from being sick, stress from having normal family life disrupted for several weeks to consider as well, oh and simply being two.. Endless screaming fits of anger, no answers to what or why, do what you think he wants and he screams more, stop doing it and another fit erupts. Sigh, I didn't handle it the best most of the time. Especially when he awoke from his nap with the same attitude. I just wasn't expecting that, and sometimes, especially at vulnerable times, crushed expectations turn me into monster momma! And then my fear of why he was acting out of character, what's wrong??? So we threw our fits together, sorry to say, my empathetic spirit nowhere to be found for the most part.
For all of God's grace and goodness I thank Him, and days are short here, it gets dark soon after 4 pm, so Kenji was home by 5. I began fixing supper with many dark feelings, the beginning of depression is never far away for me in such circumstances.
However, feeling sorry-for-myself stops right here. As I stood there, cooking chicken, my wise husband came up behind me and asked how I was doing. The screaming child, or perhaps screaming mother, had well been heard from all over the Village I am sure. as I muttered a feeble, uh...I'm okay, he hugged me and said, hmmm?? like, what is that you're trying to make me believe? So I took a deep breath, swallowed my spirit of martyrdom and said, It was a tough day, blinking back the tears. At that moment the healing began, as he said- you deserve a long bath tonight, without kids. and then offered to take over supper, to which I refused, preferring to cry a few tears in my carrot peelings while the kids entertained themselves nicely in the next room. (and they did too, not one fight and Lucas had become himself again right before Kenji came home...of course, right?!)
As I peeled those carrots and potatoes and cried a few tears, and later Kenji chopped a pineapple beside me, and we chatted about adult things...rather than kicking myself over and again for my nasty behavior, or trying to justify actions for which there is no justification, I marveled at the grace of God, who has brought me to this place, a place far from where I've been in the past. When a day like today, which follows many days of cares, could have sent me off into weeks or months of despair. How simple and yet how marvelously intricate and mysterious are the ways in which God has designed our relationships to intertwine. And to think the years I've put into finding the right formulas. I am more and more convinced that in no small way, we can and do bring healing to others by even a few simple gestures and words,( and never forgetting the power of healing touch). And not often focused on as the important part of the equation, and not well acted upon by me, accept healing from others who ache to give it, by being honest, rather than being martyrs and superpeople(I'm sure they had a hard day too, I should be able to handle just being at home with the kids, right), storing our hurts and disappointments for mega dump sessions(been there, done that),when everyone gets hurt and healing seems out of the question.
The evening of grace did not stop there, as my firm and gentle husband several times swept a once again freaking out Lucas out of my rankled territory and worked his magic to flip the switch back to our charming Lucas again, as I watched in frank jealousy and admiration, remembering my futile attempts earlier in the day. When we laid beside each other and he expressed sorrow for my rotten day, I could honestly say without a hint of martyrdom, oh, it's okay now, thank you. What? he says, surprised,(you must understand I'm not normally so easily consoled, I'm learning however:)),did I do?
you are my hero,Kenj.
Some of us have thought perhaps, ahem, that many words are necessary for healing hurts, and well, maybe we were wrong, Kenji- sensei, I rest my case.
posted by Unknown at
11:44 PM
2 Comments:
a beautifully written piece,hones, heart warming and sweet -brought me to tears again.
i love you my dear friend and sister.
By
michelle, at 4:45 AM
I wonder who this Kenji guy is? He doesn't sound like Kenji that I know of for loooong time.;)
By
Unknown, at 5:44 PM
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