Sunrise

It was fear...
suddenly, I knew
as I swept his soft brown hair into that sweet curve behind his ear, murmuring, "it's alright, go back to sleep, mommy's here".

In the dim light, with the sound of the goldfish filter bubbling in my ear, there it was, out of the blue, the culprit, but this too?
How could I be so blind? All too aware of it's hold on me in other ways, but my heart, too? held captive in it's wicked clutches

Frustration- years of it
why can I not be here, right now, in this moment? Why am I always elsewhere, in the past, in the future....what about now? why do I avoid it, why do I hesitate and then ignore my heart's cry, the whole while aching as if I will explode. why do so few know the way I really feel, as I go about crafting acceptable platitudes and striving to do the right thing, well, on the outside..

So, it's you, as if I shouldn't have known, my old enemy,
Fear
of what?
you name it
of missing a moment, that passes before I can be in it
of them being gone, before i realize they were here
of not loving enough,
of not being there,
of not knowing them, really knowing them,
of not living in the moment,
of them not loving me,
not knowing me, really knowing me...

of my feelings being too much for me and everyone else.

of Pain,

what! you say? some of the very things you haven't been able to do because of it
are the very things you have it of
it's a funny thing...

it's really not funny at all

but you see, now, I know
I know who you are.....
the truth will set you free it's been said
and now I know

the bonds are loosing, as they have been, but now
I've seen your face
I know who you are.. they fall off faster and faster
and I can face you, well not me alone, but me and my Maker

you can't keep me from it anymore,
those fleeting moments in the quiet night hours,
when their faces are so sweet,
when his arm is like a poem around me
It doesn't have to just be then, that my heart is raw and real
not just when the sun sets and the flowers are in my viewfinder
those moments come in the daylight now
when others can see, much to my bashful dismay

those memories few and far between when I was really there, they are happening more often
each one creaking the padlocked door open a crack more

so when the clock ticks, I will hear it
when their hearts beat I will listen, even for those heartstopping skips,
I will be in the pain, and I will let it make me
who I will be
and I will be in the joy, all of me, all too much of me

no more skipping out so it won't hurt so bad someday
no more frantic wall-building to keep my raw feelings
protected
no more hiding behind what I should be or should have been

just me,
okay,
no promises,
I'm still finding out who me is

you might know better than I do,
the walls I've built, the skins I've worn,
they get confusing,
kind of like those little white lies I got in the habit of telling
(don't want to show my darkness-
good Christian girl like you shouldn't be telling lies, white or otherwise)

the numbness, the aching numbness, is subsiding,
the tears come easier with every step
so
it will be okay
I'm a real live person
I don't have to be afraid anymore
I will live it,
this life, my life
how it comes

rocking horse in the nightlight
my moonlight mile


Because of the tender mercy of our God, with
which the Sunrise from on high will visit us,to shine
upon those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace.
Luke 1:79